Sock Water. It’s the equivalent of saying “tastes like feet.”

During training they took us to a nunnery after practicum. Yes that’s right, the nunnery. after practicum. 
If you wanna talk about strategic moves, that was a Knight takes Rook bit of planning to distance trainees from a little thing called alcohol and bad decisions. I am not planning on drinking Gallos until my scruples evaporate but I’m here to inform you that I might consider the temptation simplemente porque I WAS SENT TO A NUNNERY. That is a funny word to repeat.

So there we were, Virgin Guadalupe watching over us as we made the best of it. By the next morning we were served breakfast and I was just hoping that because we were in the presence of nuns that the coffee would also be pure. But pure it was not. After I heard the group reviews, I was so scared at the thought of trying it that I couldn’t bring my lips to the porcelain.

You see, there’s a trend in Guatemala (and maybe all of Central America because who am I to know?) called Café Instantaneo. I’ve got bad news: like a bad rash, it’s everywhere. And what’s worse: THIS IS THE LAND OF PURE CAFE. But in 80% of the homes, offices, and even some restaurants it’s fair to assume they will serve you up instant coffee without asking you what you prefer. There’s one option and it’s called Instant.

Why? Do you ask? Why? Well first of all, coffee in general here is watered down to begin with. If it’s brewed grounds it’s still more water and sugar than how you’re used to drinking it in The States. So if you are going to water down your coffee, why not simply make your coffee out of hot water with a quick stir? It’s cheap, it has lots of artificial flavoring to heighten the sweetness and it’s easy. Just stir it in to your hot water and you’ve got coffee. Believe you me when I tell you that I will never stand in defense of instant, but I’m explaining the tragedy for what it truly is.

“Well Dear” you might say “Instant Coffee isn’t a new thing or a regional thing. It’s everywhere and we have it here in the States too.” To which I would (and will) respond: “Yes but do you have a coffee plant in your backyard?”

And yes, lots of people make their milk out of powder here too because they don’t have refrigerators. Actually I don’t know the reason why they use powdered milk but I know that many don’t have access to fridges. That I can understand. I can even understand powdered cream like CoffeeMate.

But powdered coffee? I draw the line with a big fat Sharpie and I write the word “AFUERA!” Get behind me Satan by the power vested in me by The Nunnery!

I got home and told my (then) host mom that the coffee tasted like ‘cafe de pie’ and she laughed and said we say here ‘Agua calcetín!’ ”