And while it’s important to stay hydrated and wear sunscreen, these are tips on how not to kill your family on your trip to the Grand Canyon. And prevent them from killing you.
You may have ideas about what is a reasonable amount of time to order food on a menu when the waiter is looking at you with their pen in hand.
You may have ideas about what is a reasonable timeframe to eat.
Or a reasonable amount of time to use the bathroom.
Or a reasonable way to hit the brakes when you are driving a reasonable speed limit through a national park.
But you left those ideas at home when you secured your seatbelt in the rental car, and put your fate in the hands of the collective mood of the family.
When we started our hike three hours after we arrived to the park, on our second day at the park (because on the first day we did not have crampons), I came up with this survival list.
#1: Your parent needs hot food. This parent doesn’t use the words “hot food.”
He, I mean this parent, says words like “solid meal,” or my favorite, “soft food.” What is a soft food? In that instance, it was breaded Alaskan cod. I suggested it was “comfort food” and they said, “It’s soft food” to which I replied “okay.”
#2: It takes 45 minutes to get something out of the backpack. It takes another 10 to put everything back in.
#3: It takes several minutes’ time to figure out where the credit card is. This is confusing only because we remove the credit card from the wallet. The credit card is actually a debit card, credit cards are not used anymore. (“How do you build credit?” I asked. “Oh, that was a long time ago.” To which I replied: “Okay.”) And that means the debit card could be a million places in one single car. And so could a wallet, for that matter.
#3.5 The cards were in a toothbrush bag. “Well, mistake on me!” a parent said; I did not ask if this parent meant: “my mistake.”
#4: Do both parents have a backpack for hiking? No. So one will carry everyone’s water, and food, and loose credit cards in one backpack. I will not say which parent does not have a backpack. We will not bring enough water for fear of having to use the bathroom on the trail. No matter how much I say “It’s okay. It’s hiking. People understand. Your hydration is the priority” I know that this parent will not accept this and will bring only one bottle of water.
#5: People need naps. That’s okay. People have been on earth double the time you have, so let them nap. You figure out something else to do.
#6: When your parent takes off across the 5-lane road to buy dinner at Wendy’s because the wait at the Easy E Steakhouse is 30+ minutes, and the reason for running across the street instead of driving is “I’m not driving through that traffic” and you look at the tiny town that sits in front of the Grand Canyon and you think “Traffic?” You review #1 and you follow them across the 5-lane road dismissing the accessible crosswalks. You look at other parent and say “Soft Food” and other parent nods and starts to cross with you.
#7: You use the lobby bathroom at the hotel to do your business. It is just more private and no one else considers that it is there. This way, your business doesn’t punish anyone else’s senses.
#8: The Grand Canyon may or may not have cell phone reception. There is limited capacity in the cell towers, and there are many people in the Grand Canyon, especially on Spring Break. You cannot call each other if you get split up, so you have to communicate about where you are going and how long you might be there. This may be difficult for some parents, at some times.
Pro-tip: If you are a senior citizen, you can buy a lifetime pass to all National Parks for $80. If you won’t go to the other parks, just buy a week-long pass to the Grand Canyon for $20 (if you are a senior citizen).
#10 with a Bonus Pro-Tip: You have to show ID with your pass when you come into the park. You have to remember this when you leave the park if part of your party is hiking and you want to go to the hotel but you don’t have the ID to get back in. The ID is free-falling with the credit card in the backpack.
Pro-Tip: The line to get into the park will be long during Spring Break. You will have to inch along in your car, until you get to the toll booth. For us, the wait ranged from 45 minutes to 30 minutes, depending on the time of day.
#12: Soft food.
#13: When you start your hike, after you buy the crampons and ask the salesperson in the store which brand is better, and after you put the crampons on, and put on the sunscreen (it was in the bottom of the backpack), and get the gloves (they were not in the backpack, turns out, they were in the parking spot far away), and buy the sandwiches and use the bathroom, make sure to get a picture with your group at a lookout point.
Pro-Tip: Ask a couple taking a selfie to take their picture, then when they return the favor you say “You’re on to us!” and you let them. You always check the pictures after the people take them and have walked a few feet away then ask someone else, as needed, because life is too long and too short for the one memory of your trip have your crampons cut-off.
#14: Some people walk very slowly. There is no gym at the hotel. If you want exercise, you better start hiking the Grand Canyon.
Pro-Tip: Get the hiking poles. Yes, you look German, and in the smart way! You might look silly but once you have them, and you’re not just observing them, you can’t believe you ever hiked without them. You can buy them at The Village in the Canyon. You can rent them by the day for something like $6/day (as of March, 2023). You cannot rent crampons because it’s a liability, BUT you can buy them for $25 or $50 (March ’23 prices) depending on how long you want them to last, in The Village in the Canyon. Also in the General Store in Tusayan, the small whisper of a town sitting at the entrance to the canyon.
#15 (a tip if you want it to be): Ear plugs really do drown out enough of the snoring to sleep. You thank the parent who thought to bring them for you.
#16: When you spot some wildlife from your window, like an elk, or “Oh look another elk!” Accept the fact that no one will see it but you. And that’s okay.
Pro-Tip: Pictures. Let’s talk about pictures.
The time it takes them to open the app.
The way some people take pictures.
Take a deep breath, and let it all go.
It’s okay. It’s really okay.
#18: At the end of it all, the Grand Canyon is truly grand. You hiked a little bit of it, not as much as you wanted, but enough to get your heart pumping. You were literally moving past a massive piece of history in live time with your own muscles and legs. You were experiencing the most stunning work of nature that you have ever seen, with the two people who brought you into this world to experience stunning moments like this.
#19: The hotel serves breakfast. And that is a win-win-win for all because there is something for everyone, even though the eggs are a uniform, aggressive shade of yellow. Your Dad reminds you that there is free breakfast in the morning every night before bed.
#20: You learn that The Grand Canyon shifts the depth of a piece of paper every year. As people pass you on the Grand Canyon, pushing strollers and smoking cigarettes with small babies in tow, and you think “Babies? On this hike into the Grand Canyon?” You realize that some people are truly different than you, and while your parents are different than you, they would never have pushed a stroller while smoking a cigarette into the Grand Canyon. And that reminds you: Your Family Really is Grand.
BONUS PRO-TIP:
Trails? I recommend South Kaibab Trial or Bright Angel Trail.
I do not recommend the Rim Trail as it is flat.
However, signage in the Grand Canyon is very frustrating and parking at the various viewpoints or trails can be slim. I recommend taking the shuttle. They will take you to the places you need to go. Now, if your parent has just gotten done with their rogue solo hike, they may walk so slowly because “I just got off of the side of a mountain” in which case, you wait for the next one. You are cold because you weren’t hiking, but the next one will come in like 5-10 minutes. It will be okay.