The last two days have been uglyfeelstown, USA. I’ve had a feeling of indigestion in my gut that doesn’t go away, but the kind of sensation that churns inside my emotions instead of my esophagus.

The feeling is equal parts irritation, exhaustion, sadness and being lost all at once.

And I realized something today that surprised me:

• I don’t have to have anything riding on this to still feel overwhelmed.
• I don’t have to have left behind a glorious life to still be uncomfortable here.
• I can miss my family and not want to be in their city at the same time.
• I will feel all matter of things during service, even though I don’t know where else I’d go.

I feel all the things and I didn’t think I would.

The only way to join Peace Corps is to be in your life one day and in an entirely different one the next. You don’t ease from First World to Third World. You don’t sleep on plush pillows and slowly ease your way from posture-pedic to feather down to cushy to wonky to stone. You go from English to Spanish, multi-grain to corn tortilla, dollar to quetzal and female empowerment to washing your laundry by hand.

You go from America to Guatemala.

And you know what I realized today? I prepared myself for this giant leap by subconsciously believing that it would be easy, that I would fit in, and that I couldn’t think of any better options to do with my life anyway. This week has not been easy.

The ride home from Santa Lucia Milpas Altas to Ciudad Vieja gets longer every day. Tonight it felt like an eternity. Bumpy streets then smooth road then stony pavement, cramped in a large passenger van with the same 13 volunteers I see everyday, I do group work with every day, feedback with every day, lunch with every day, language training with every day, group work with every day. Everything, everyday. These people are my new family for 9 weeks and after that we are dropped into a new, remote site and the volunteers disappear. I won’t remember how much I like them until I’m somewhere in El Campo waiting for the electricity to come back on.

Also, I miss my Grandmother. I cancelled my cell phone plan today, too. It’s just me and the wifi when it’s there, baby. And my frijol iPhone. The POS.

So. That’s that. I go from Stress Management to Resiliency classes to Mayan Ceremony training, ride home, eat dinner with my host family and have a few hours in my room before I’m at the bus stop at 6:30 the next morning.

And on and on it goes.