The Interview: 

I sat across a coral-lipped bilingual Brit, who was born in Germany, wearing high-waisted pinstripe “trousers” with a coiffure like Selma Blair’s. I’ll never be cool.

I was meeting with her to get a job teaching English.

Have you had the experience in the States in which it’s been impressed upon you that because you are a native English speaker, you can teach anywhere you want, whenever you want, for however long you want, and have a great experience? Maybe it’s only me but I learned something today. It’s not true.

Anything worth having isn’t on your terms, not teaching English, not getting a visa, not finding love or keeping it. So I was handed that lesson today in the form of three very different conversations.

But before I tell of these interactions, I would like to point out that I am wearing my interview pants. It’s possible that when I first met these pants in a dressing room in TJ Maxx three years ago, they fit. In the time that has passed, they have decided to buddy up to align with my crotch when I sit down. As a result, sitting down is both uncomfortable and invasive. Shall we continue?

So we cover her concerns: What attracts me to you is your corporate experience. We have native speakers from all over who have loads of experience working with children but not usually experience in the corporate world. Executive to the CEO is a big position though I don’t know it could have been a quiet office with three people.

(I’m like- is that funny? Haha).

We cover the red flag of why I left my last job (I was not being challenged because the volume of work I had lessened due to the course of business, my mind was no longer being stimulated. Have a great relationship with my last employer and was given a tremendous opportunity to work there, and learned a lot). Blah blah, the interview usuals.

Made sure I sounded like a competent educator and noted that the level of enthusiasm and commitment must wane in corporate  environments vs. private tutoring. I show my chops as a “semi-linguist.” She encourages me to start taking German classes here ASAP. The expected list of things to cover to a future employer.

Then she asks me if I’ve applied elsewhere? And I’m thinking that this is definitely not status quo interview chat? But she is speaking about my visa, that to get work as a freelance visa, I will have to have two work guarantee letters. So I should reach out to such-and-such English Institute and see what timetable they can offer you.

So Now I am Thinking This is Even More Unusual. Go Talk to Another Employer for a Letter of Employment, so that you can also work for us.

First there was Selma Blair. Then there was her very British, slightly codgery boss, Ian, who came in, shook my hand without asking my name and said “Look Sarah says you had a great interview and she definitely wants to hire you.” Then I basically watched a ping-pong match (I was the ping-pong) about how to hire me.

Ping-Pong:

Old Brit: The situation is that we have a long-term contract that is ending in December. It is where we can’t hire women.

Hip Trousers: I told her that- well not about the women but yes.

Old Brit looks at my resume.

Old Brit: You know this is just a bad time of year because this is when many of the classes are about to wind down. And then won’t start again until January.

(Picks up resume)

Old Brit: And what brought you to Germany?

Natalie: Well, I’ve traveled through Europe and really liked Hamburg. I’ve found that this city has an underrated charm and I really like this part of the world.

Old Brit: And you want to stay in Germany, specifically?

Hip Trousers: Yes but we were wondering if she could do cover-

Old Brit: But maybe we could guarantee her cover work.

Hip Trousers: You said that you don’t know your shedule?

Me: Well I’ll be in Atlanta from December 21 through the first week of January.

Old Brit: Oh, do you have a work permission (he looked at me, with a look like he had just caught a whiff of something unpleasant).

Hip Trousers: Well, we thought that we could write the letter for her.

Old Brit: Oh, a letter of guaranteed work. Oh but I can’t because I just wrote three for Americans this month!

Hip Trousers: Oh because we have to explain why it’s necessary for us to hire an American.

Old Brit: Oh but perhaps we could guarantee her cover work until we get another contract. Oh, but I owe Chris. I told her that I would get her any cover work.

Looks at me: I’m sorry, but I’ve promised that work to someone else.

Me: Well, it’s much more important that I can get the work permission from the right place than getting it tomorrow. I’d rather work with the right company than interview elsewhere to get the credential tomorrow.

Hip Trousers (vibing with me): Right, so you could be comfortable waiting two weeks to get a letter from us is what you’re saying.

< Silence >

Hip Trousers: Let me check the timetable.

<Hip Trousers Exits>

Old Brit: Mmmm. Well, listen, let me – holds up resume-

Hip Trousers leaves room to grab the other American.

Old Brit: <Reviews out loud to himself> Okay and it looks like you don’t have experience teaching adults.

<Before I have a chance to respond that I taught speech to 17 year-olds which is just adults with too much hemoglobin, Hip Trousers reenters>.

<At this point I’m already starting to feel tired because the reality might keep me from pursuing any of this, not the destitute teaching schedule or visa issues. It’s my lack of direction, my lack of a need to be here. I mean what the hell am I going to do here? Once I get work? Just be here by myself? Once Mannoble leaves?>

Mother Adventure is a tangled mass of rubber bands and I’m frustrated by the whole enterprise at the moment.

Who out there thinks I’m living it up? Yes I’m in Germany and that’s because I put myself into this ridiculous roller coaster. Don’t sit at home with your comfy slippers and measuring/temperature system that you’re used to with your On Demand DVR and think I’m in some sort of Utopic SnowGlobe of cultural wanderlust. This is like being sodomized by culture.

Back to the codger:

Old Brit: Tell you what, reach out to me in a week and we’ll try to write you the letter.

Hip Trousers: Let me get McKenzie (the American).

McKenzie comes in. Very “chill” but “profesh.” I could tell you for sure that she was not from Atlanta. I hate that feeling of dismay, when you see someone from your homeland but you feel only inches more at home with them than someone from another continent. I asked her later where she was from: San Diego. Figures. Cool brah.

But she was nice and helpful and gave me direction on all the different things I need. My mind and memory is trying to calibrate what Nobie has told me already and what she is telling to see if we are saying the same thing different ways or vice versa.

She taught English then art for three years in Lisbon (one of my fave places). Then she moved to Germany with her boyfriend who she met in Lisbon. He is from Hamburg. She wasn’t in a hurry to move back to the States.

Bitch.

She was teaching at an art school in Lisbon while I was serving coffee to The Man and rerouting his personal orders on Amazon Prime. The hold music from Best Buy will forever haunt me.

What’s worse is that she is nice and says “May I?” and proceeds to make a list of tasks for me, in chronological order, with boxes by them to check, as I tick them off one by one through my residency process. The most disconcerting element is finding healthcare, which requires finding a broker, and now she pays 109 euro/month for it.

This is a long list. And I have lots of thinking to do.

It’s at moments like this that it is important to remember what is working right now:

Things That Are Good: 

• I give a good interview.
• I have a place to stay in November, and I’ve already paid for it. And I get my very own mattress. And I am going to see it tonight.
• I am going to Copenhagen for Halloween.
• I just got Free Wifi for Three Hours in a McDonald’s.
• I have a free place to stay for one more week and I replaced the shower head I broke.

Things That Are Special: 

• My sister got engaged yesterday.
• I got a picture from my (still in my heart) Roommate Cate and her fiance Kevin, and their cat Chicken, saying that they missed me.

Things That Are Less Good: 

• My roommate is uncomfortable with our upcoming living situation and is anxious about it. This makes me anxious. And there’s nothing I can do to fix it.
• I am still out $400 for buying something for a client who has yet to reimburse me.
• My family (with my sister and her fiancé and some of my good friends) went on a limousine ride around the city to celebrate their engagement and I was on FaceTime :/

Things that are noteworthy: 

• I have 2 days worth of train travel that’s already paid for in Poland. I could just be a gypsy in Poland.
• There are two fellows who want to come to Hamburg and travel with me. I am not attracted to either of them.
• I just found out my cousin lives on the coast of Turkey.

Things That Are Annoying: 

• I have to figure out what to do now.
• I turn 30 next year and I am funemployed, single, and feeling more and more irritated by the lack of constancy in my life every second.
• I haven’t heard from the guy that I met in Hamburg when I was here this summer. He knows that I am here. He has not reached out to me. I told myself I would not reach out to him. I move at the pace of a crippled snail when it comes to forgetting people I should probably forget.

But I have Nutella. And Nobie is almost here.